Love is the Sadest Thing When it Goes Away

Once I love, and I give so much love to this love you are the world to me

Once I cry , at the thought I was foolish and proud and let you say good bye

Then one day, from my infinite sadness you came and brought me love a gain

Now I know, that no matter whatever before I’ll never let you go

I will hold you close make you stay

Because leve is the sadest thing when it goes away

Because love is the sadest thing when it goes away

- Salena Jones -

 

My Strange Lover

He said his name is Andrew. UK born, during the sixties. I met him at night when I logged in at the mIRC. As far as I know, mIRC is not a good place to find new friends, most of the people there are looking for sex, or just try being someone else. But this guy, he is nice, polite and very good in words.  I can chat with him from 10 pm to 5 am, seven hours of intense sentences exchange, almost without any interval in between. We are both so immerse in our communication and he make me really in love to him. But strangely, and yet the reason is easily judged, he won’t meet me, even call me. I can’t even hear his voice. The photo he sent me, which doesn’t meet security guidelines of WordpPress to be uploaded, probably is not his photo. “His”? Probably he is not he, if he is reluctant to call me, or being called, he probably is a lesbian. Who knows?

However, I was very frustrated thinking that in this world of billions of people, I have someone I love, we spending nights together (B1 and B2 never spend time chatting that long), and I don’t know where he is, because he said he is in Indonesia and later I found out that he is not, then he said that he is in Singapore and later I find out he is not, and now he said he is in north UK, and I didn’t ask the exact place because he probably will lie again. You may say that I’m stupid, and you probably right. I love a gost as he named himself “Casper”.   

I met him the first time on March 2007 followed by intense chatting, but then he got lost, then we met again, got lost again until the last time he got lost almost two months. Before I met him, I have no interest in dating a Caucasian (we in Indonesia call them “bule”, an Indonesian term of albino). I fall in love with him and I was so sad when he was gone. Many times I stay awake overnight waiting for him to get online. Until then, I decided to find another “bule” for me to fall in love to, to replace my sadness, to replace the hollow he left. I try to find it at the mIRC but then find out that all of them are faking “bules”. Luckily I found an Indonesian English speaking community and wrote an ad there, try to find a decent “bule” guy. Sunday July 7^th, I posted the ad, Monday 8^th I received a message in my mobile from B2. This is how I met my loving German boss. My real lover with all his personal charm and generousity.

Last Sunday at night, I  wrote him an offline message: “Hey darling, what about continuing our friendship?” without expecting any response from him ecause he was offline. But surprisingly, there was an answer: “I never remember ceasing it?”We had chat again from 10 pm to 5 am and I have to admit that he is the best in making me in love only with words. I sent him Salena Jones’ song: Love is the Sadest Thing When it Goes Away. I love him/her so much.

Strange, but whatever stupid it looks like, it’s LOVE.

 

Female Inferiority

A female inferiority probably will think that it’s me who become the victim of these two B relationship. When people think that the one who take the advantage of an intercourse is the guy, then the issue of female low self esteem arise. When I do the S-M relationship with B1, female inferiority thought will say that it’s me who is being used by B1 to get him to the benefit of his sexual fulfillment. When I go to Bali to meet B2 and have sex with him, again, female inferiority thought will say that I am being used by B2 to satisfy his sexual desire. But I refuse to think in a female inferiority way.I am not happy with my marriage. I want to be happy. My sex life with my husband is the one I hate most before I meet these 2B (magically the real name of these two guys begin with B).  After I have the real relationship (with intercourse) with B1 and virtual relationship with B2, my sexlife with my husband is getting better. Why? Because I imagine either B1 or B2 while making love with my husband.

When I meet B1 and have an S-M in bed with him, I am happy. The setting were always in a luxurious 5 stars hotel because he is a wealthy boss. The last time was Sheraton, the next time (if possible) will be Marriot.  I love it. The intercourse itself is great, the feeling of a Dom, is great! The food? Excellent! The body? 47 looks 25, slim, slender, tender skin, no hair (obviously he is a sub before I met him, he shaved smooth!). The personality? Pleasant! Cheerful, polite, funny! So why thinking only him who get the benefit of the relationship? I need him too. I love to dominate him, I love his large penis, I love his personality, and his wealthiness. I love him in general.

Now B2. I love him. I can hear about him almost everyday (B1 is not contacting me everyday and all we talk is mostly about sex, not love). Even he is far away (he is in Europe) but I can feel his love. He care about me so much and the best thing of him is his decision to meet me and take the long tiring trip to visit me. We will have sex of course. But it is not only him who will enjoy it because I want him too. I’ve seen his photo and definitely he is a tall slender handsome guy. Good looking of course is not enough for me. Should be a smart, broad minded, broad knowledge, polite, caring guy. I can sense all of it during our chat. Hope it is true. I definitely will tell you after the Bali meeting. As far as I know, he is not into the S-M relationship, but whatever he is, I believe I will be happy to meet him and enjoy the togetherness. I feel good about it, and a healthy mind to get through this great life!

 

Bad news!

Definitely my helpers won’t coming back. Now I am fighting with my husband. No one will be willing to work for him. He bark at them, said nasty things to them and make them work hard. We have uncountable quits of helpers. I marry a monster!

 

My bad day

As I mention in my post about Lebaran, up till now my helpers haven’t coming yet from the village, while the agreed day is today for them to start working again. I haven’t do the cleaning since yesterday. This morning I was very sleepy because of the medicine I got the night before. I’m in medication? Hmm…not that scarry, it only an allergic problem, wrong food makes me itchy, and the medicine makes me sleepy.

So the house is in complete mess now. We call our helper’s mobile but they didn’t answer. Thinking of doing the cleaning now, it’s 5.08 pm.

Lebaran is a bad days too since I mostly stayed home and see how my hubby behave. He is lazy. Strange of him is that he doesn’t have the interest to work and earn money. That’s the funniest and strangest character of a person, unfortunately he is my husband! His laziness bring him to become an “ordering person”, minutes to minutes, he keep giving order to my helpers, whose are obviously me who paid their salary. I can feel that both of my helpers were tired doing his continuous orders, and it is understandable that they prefer to resign from this job even they are paid above the standard.

Another sad, yet stupid story from my side is, when my helpers’ off, I am the one who did their job. Well, of course only the minimum required. But it’s me, the one who work and finance the family, the one who pay the helpers salary, and the one who do the chores when they are off.

I am –of course- not happy  living in this marriage, but the problem is, I have no guts to file for divorce. The idea of divorce was arise since 1994, 17 years a go. The issue come and go but my daughter, shal w name her Dotty, strongly opposed the idea. She mentioned that if we get divorced, she can’t bear the shame of being a broken home youth.

Since my children is the most important treasure in this world, so, beside also my inferior felling of facing the process of divorcing in this culture, I follow her. I am now trapped to a situation where I see myself as the victim. I work to finance the family, my husband is at home doing his hobby which is not productive. He hire an assistant to help him doing his hobby (because he is too lazy to do it himself). When he get jealous or sense something about me doing flirting to another guy, he shout cruel things to me like calling me “slut” etc.

Now you know me, the most stupid woman in this world. I am smart and earn good money as a professional, but I am practically a slave in my own home (even the house is mine, I bought it myself, and the cars, and the furniture…etc…etc…). My children, of course, love me so much. I am their friend. They take me as their best friend, we are so close, they never hide anything from me. They don’t like their father too as he never take care of them. From the morning he wake up till the night he go to bed, everything he think and do is about himself, not for his wife, or his children.

I feel helpless. If these helpers don’t come back, who will do the household chores? I will start working this Monday and there will be a mess in our house since then. OMG, I think I have to deal with this kind of shit a little longer.

Balancing my feeling: Things get worse. This afternoon B1 said something putting me down during our chat, about his uncertainty to our next meeting on mid November.

 Hopw for light of the day is B2. He give me the confidence that someone is wanting me, that I am needed. Almost everyday he get online in between his busy day as a PhD in chemistry. He also decided to come down here this end of October for a week, to spend the time with me in Bali. I have arrange all the official intivation to make me able to go to Bali officially. Not for my office but my hubby not to get berserk.

This help much to balanced my marriage. 

 

Asocial Lifestyle

That’s me. And it’s running into my blood hereditary since most of my family choose this lifestyle too. I am not a looser or someone who is too introvert and having difficulties in making friends. On the other hand, I’m extraversive, cheerful, high self-esteem and very confident. I make friends very easy, I get popular everywhere I go. But deep in my heart, I don’t like chit chat, however, because of my politeness and the cultural values is to be cheerful, I pretend to enjoy the situation, but yet it’s tiring. So I would prefer not to meet anyone I am not close enough to, I prefer to get along with few close people to whom I could be myself. I am not joining any groups or social organization, I prefer not – as far as I could – having guests in my house. We have two helpers who usually have to lie to my guests, told them that I am not home while I am in my room. I protect my private life very seriously. My home, my bedroom and my working room is the best place I love most. It’s my hiding place and the most relaxing place for me. I can’t help not to get asocial, it’s my happiness….. my preferred lifestyle.

 

Am I a dominant in D/s relationship?

John is a submissive male – www.submissivemale.blogspot.com – . Reading his blog I understand a bit about the inner personality of a submissive man. John makes me fall in love to him by his way of worshipping women. Then I learned about topping from the bottom and I think John do it in certain way in his blog. I read a submissive story about another John (or probably the same John?) http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/story.php?storyid=34 and an eerie story of a wife who chastiting his husband and have sex with her lovers. It is hard to understand how someone is willing to live a hard life being a slave. B1 is doing it with me but it only happen once a month in between his hectic daily work as the regional boss of a multinational company.  

I try hard to understand. As reading John’s blog I keep thinking how good is to have a slave instead of marry to a lazy and self centered husband like mine. But the more I learn this D/s relationship, the more I know that I can’t do it in a permanent basis. My natural character is a TLC to someone I love. I know I won’t be able to hurt someone I love so much. I do the BDSM to B1 because I love him so much and want him to be happy. He never let his tendency out before he met me and it’s my chance to make him happy and make him stay. Surprisingly when I tied him, dragged him down on his knees, blindfolded him, inserted a dildo in his anus, poured him with burning wax and make him served me with his tongue, it really turned me on. And when I whipped him, I got even hornier, I held his hair tight and cried out loud in lust.

Am I a dominant if I believe I can’t do it everyday to B1?

 

B2

B2 is a Caucasian, born in North Europe around the year of sixties, 180 cm and slender, just like B1. Never meet him but we do chatting much. He will be online soon, about 5 minutes from now. On the next two weeks he will visit me and we will spend time on the beach and the hotel room. We talked lots about love as we both having an unhappy marriages. We both need love and we just want to see whether it will work in between us when we meet. I like him a lot because he made a quick decision to come down here in Indonesia, a long tiring trip from Europe to see me. What is in his mind? Does he really come just for love and sex? Is there anything else I don’t know? But I don’t care. I just jump into this relationship without thinking twice. Nothing to lose in my side. I made this meeting save by assigning a proven assignment plus someone I trust who will act as the organizer. His personality and seriousness attracted me.

But what is his motivation?

Promise to tell you the story after I meet him.

 

Lebaran

The nastiest days of the year is the Moslem Celebration day. It’s holiday and people are “mudik”, the Indonesian term of “going home” to the parents to ask for forgiveness. This will be a very hectic days a week before and after the day. The biggest event in Indonesia. But I don’t have parents, neither my husband so we don’t go anywhere. Just stay home and doing household jobs since our maids also “mudik”. Now is the 5^th days of their leaving, should be another 2 days they will be back. I do the cleaning and such thing, because my husband is lazy. I hate him. You will read about him later but now I am not interested. My mind is just for B1 now, while I waited for B2 online. Why nasty? Because I spend these days doing nothing. Just write and browsing the internet. Nasty………

 

B1

Shall we name him B1. His hand is long and slender, belong to 180 cm Caucasian, North European born , 47 year old. The long slender hand, with slight muscle in it, is strong. I love him and when I wrote it, I turned on. A fetish, loved to be tied, humiliated and degraded. The last time I met him, is in a luxurious hotel room with veranda to the city downhill. View was beautiful when he arrived. Nice smile and cheerful personality. But I tied him down, blindfolded him, penetrated his anus, slapped his bottom cheeks, slashed him with his own belt, dripped him with hot wax and told him to serve me with his tongue. When I released him, he was limp couldn’t move. But the picture stayed in my imagination is when he made love to me and told me to see how “his” got inside “mine” and how he moved it inside out in rhythm of love and lust. I miss him now, but I will give him a golden shower the next time I meet him.